Laxatives
by Hikaru Yoru
Summary: What do you get when you have a Gin with super strong laxatives? Ehh...Don' answer that. Maybe a one shot


A/N: Confession time. What gave me this idea? Well, let's just say I wanted to take a number two, and at the same time, my little brother _also_ wanted to take a number two. My brother got there first. I'm just grateful that I didn't go on my pants…

Disclaimer: Bleach is not miiiiiiiinnnnneeee!

* * *

**LAXATIVES**

Okay. I was bored. Why else would I do something like this in the first place? _Anyways_, there were a lot of stories out there that involved laxatives, so I thought, _Hey, why not try something of my own?_

Of course, with my own version being _far_ superior than the pranks that I read.

"Taichou…Mayuri Taichou's outside. He says has something for you…" mumbled Kira in that adorable manner of his. Honestly, that kid needs to lighten up a bit. Looking depressed all the time, ain't healthy, ya know. Wonder what go him that way….?

I arose from my chair, trying my best to hide my excitement, "Thanks Kira-kun. I think I'm gonna call it a day. You can go home once you finish that stack of papers over there." I gesture at the mountain of paperwork on my desk. Hmm…come to think of it, maybe I'm making matters worse for him. Nah. Impossible.

So I slid the door behind me and sure enough, there was the creepy scientist himself, holding a tiny little sack, "Here. The laxatives that you wanted."

I quickly grab it and made a mental note to make sure that he didn't cheat me or anything, "Thank you."

Apparently, he knew how to read minds, "Don't worry. Those are laxatives. Strongest I could make. Why do you even need them anyways?"

I made sure to look hunched over beforehand to appear convincing (which I am just wonderful at doing), "Well, I've been having these awful stomachaches lately. I figured that maybe a little loosening of the bowels should do the trick." Of course, you all probably have figured out the _real_ reason.

"Oh? You need help with your excrement?" Mayuri asked. It was in that tone of voice where you just _know_ that he wants to use you as a guinea pig.

I forced a laughed, "You already gave me the laxatives, so I'll be fine now." And with that, I raced off.

* * *

A few days later, I held a _huge_ party. Huge stress on the word _huge_. It was at night. With sake. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. (Of course, they didn't know it was me. I signed the invitations with Yamamoto's signature. Not that hard really. Just a bunch of squiggles.)

Rangiku stumbled up to me in her cute drunken manner and held up this fairly large bowl, sloshing sake everywhere, "Giiiiiiiinnnnn! Whyyyy don't ya haaaaavee sooooommmeeeee…..?"

Yes, usually I would actively take part of such festivities, but tonight was the grand exception. I forced a smile, feeling a bit guilty as to what was about to happen to her, "Well, my New Year's resolution this year was to quit drinking." A lie, obviously.

Little Toshiro came marching up as well, clearly not liking the rowdiness that was occurring around him. He was scowling. Not a huge surprise, "What was the Head Captain thinking?" He nearly jumped ten feet into the air when Rangiku all but dumped her sake onto his little head, "MATSUMOTO!"

My dear Ran-chan laughed, "Taichou…yoouuu're aaaalll _weetttt_…..!"

"_Gee_….I wonder _why_….?" Toshiro brushed his wet bangs out of his face irritably and looked around for something to wipe his face with, "That's it….I'm making you work hangover or not." he muttered ominously.

I grinned, shoving a towel into his face, "Now, now Chibi-chan! Don't be so mean to Rangiku! She's just having some fun!"

He glowered at me. How rude. And after I gave him that loincloth from some half-naked drunk too, "Yeah! _Too_ much fun! Everyone here is gonna have a hangover tomorrow! Nothing is going to get done!"

Rangiku decided to use him as a human crutch, "Taaaaiiiiichoooooo…..don't beee like thaaaat!"

Toshiro stared up at heaven with distaste and shoved her into me, "I'm going home!"

I clicked my tongue as I watched him walk away, "Sheesh. What a stick in the mud." I gently placed Rangiku against a nearby tree and laughed, "Aww….Ran-chan is fast asleep!" I decided to draw on her face just for the heck of it. I mean, it's not like she'll know or anything. As I pocketed my Sharpie, I made a mental note to go around and draw on everyone else's face once they passed out.

* * *

One hour later, and practically everyone was sprawled out on the floor, completely passed out and drawn on. I must say, I didn't do a bad job. Shunsui, being the womanizer he is, was pretty much buried under a pile of females. Sorta repulsive, if I had to be honest. Of course, all of the sober people were in their bedrooms and such.

At least for now.

I checked my watch that I bought 'specially for the occasion. If my calculations were correct, everyone should be out and about in three…two…..

One!

Right on time, there was the tell-tale gurgling and possible churning of a hundreds of stomachs. Ahh…..music to my ears. Nearly all of them leapt to their feet at once, searching for a restroom of some sort to soothe their poor tummies. Some people even had to go so badly they went where they were. I also wouldn't be too surprised if a few of them went on their hamaka since there was a repulsive stench in the air. Of course, I wouldn't have known since I numbed my nose to prevent it from smelling anything. (Another concoction borrowed from Mayuri.)

I strolled down the halls, casually passing by the fellow shinigami rushing here and there. I couldn't help but smile when I heard the outbursts of frustration when everyone found out that the restrooms weren't working.

Ahh….sweet music.

* * *

The next day the Head Captain called for a captains' meeting to figure out who was responsible for the stench and chaos that occurred last night. He rammed his cane (aka Ryuujin Jaka) to the floor and demanded in his booming voice, "Who was the imbecile that created such disorder?!"

Even though it might have ended in a dead give away, I offered, "Probably Mayuri."

Everyone's attention turned to the psychotic twelfth division mad scientist captain. "Well…." began Yamamoto, "Just what do you have to say in response to this?"

Mayuri didn't seem bothered by the Head captain's scorching gaze at all (Get it?), "I must confess, I did make the laxatives responsible of causing this accident, but-"

The old man didn't let him finish, "You and your company are now in charge of cleaning up this mess! Meeting dismissed!"

I was just mentally applauding my luck when Mayuri turned to me with that disturbing grin of his, and I knew that I was going to pay for this one way or another. The one and only thing that we had in common was that we took our time with striking back. _Scary_. I merely grinned back at him and left. However, I didn't get too far.

"Gin."

I turned around and plastered a smile on my face, "Why, hello, Aizen."

"Were _you_ really the one responsible?"

"Of course not!" I lied, "Why would you think of such a thing?"

He didn't look at me; just walked by, radiating just enough of his reiatsu to send shivers up my spine (Of fear. Only a _slight_ intimidation), "Just a hunch."

And _that_ is why I hate him so much.

Or at least part of the reason anyway.

* * *

_A/N: Well, that's that! Please, please, _please_, review!_

_p.s. Should I write another chapter with Gin doing this to the espada?_


End file.
